Why is it everytime I find a way to leave a place which I see no future in, I suddenly find myself a reason to stay for a little while longer? That’s just choke full of irony isn’t it? I suppose I can’t do anything but wait and see life through, if luck would have it, if my own sense holds…the next 3 and a half months would be a breeze that I would hopefully get out from unscathed. Hopefully.
I suppose the good thing about this is that what I said before is true, that when you do find yourself a reason to let go of your own past, nothing else in the world would matter. The bad thing is that you realise you can’t live without the good thing and it eventually becomes something that eats at you.
Maybe this time, things will be different. Hell, things are already different. I say in relationships, strengths will complement weaknesses. If there is one weakness that will be the end of all things for any relationship with me, it’s already being complemented. Look…not a care in the world for things. Ok I do care about things…but not with the heavy burden I have been carrying for the past year or so.
It’s not so bad too. I know better that it’s nothing…solid. That at any moment, it could be fade away as if it never happened. But I think the beauty of that I went through before and what I am learning now is that patience isn’t about sitting down and waiting for something, patience is about trust in something, believing in something.
I have a reason now to believe in something. It’s not what people would usually think. It’s not what you would think, but it’s a reason nevertheless. And if there is any principle I abide to, it’s that living life isn’t having a reason for yourself to go one, its having a reason apart from youself to be out there in the world. That makes a whole lot of difference for a lot of things in life. In my case…it would be patience. Despite all that I am and all that I can do…it would mean patience.
I know that I’m not making much sense right now. I know months from now when I do read this post again, even I might not remember what I was talking about. But what matters is that right here, right now, I know what I’m talking about. Of course…what remains is whether I stick to what I do know. And what I do know is this. I’ll do what I do and you’ll do what you’ll do. Hopefully what we’re doing is heading in the same direction. Hopefully 3 months from now nothing would have changed. Hopefully, I still can understand what I said in this post with absolute certainty.