Jealousy’s a bitch ain’t it? Come to think of it, so is karma. When you look at it that way, it makes you wonder if they are both the same thing…or just very close sisters. Either way, being jealous of something, of anything is never going to get you far. The best that it does is that it makes you wallow in your own constant need to reassure yourself that you have it better when ultimately you’re just reinforcing your own prison.
I am jealous. I am jealous of a lot of things. I am jealous of a lot of people. Jealous of the money they have. Jealous of the positions they are in. Jealous of the friends and family that they associate themselves with. Anything that I don’t have, anything I desire and see in the people I know, I am jealous of all of it.
That’s the thing isn’t it with jealousy? We end up hating all the things we want. We end up turning desire into scorn because as much as we try, we end up turning ourselves far away from the things we want. More often than not, we tend to nit-pick at the faults of others, giving yourself more reason not to go on, not to reach out and just do what you need to do to get there.
Instead, you’re stuck in that moment in time. Unable to move foward until you get past the simple fact that your life is your own. Just like blog. Just like what you do. Everything you have is your own. Whatever other people have is their own. Whether they got it by the hand of fate or by sheer hard work or just because they are nice people. That’s their life they are living. You got to remember that you’re in charge of yours and whatever you do will have it’s consequence. I got to remember that.
I like to think that the hole of spite and scorn dug up with jealousy and resentment isn’t a good way to keep living your life. At least not in the long term. You can survive with it…but that’s a car that just won’t go anywhere far.
So yeah, I am jealous. I am jealous of a lot of things. I am jealous of a lot of people. The only difference now is that I don’t want to let that jealousy lead my hand anymore. The only life to lead is the one I have. Whatever desires I have will have to wait. Whatever patience I have to force myself out off, I will. Not for your sake or even your sake, but for my own.
Even if it takes me a long while to get there, at least I know I can get there. Even if I have to crawl through that river of shit on my knees, at least I know you’ll be there to pat me at the back when I come clean over the other side.