I’m scared. Scared of what is happening in my life. Scared at how much will happen in my life to come. Scared of the failures I might go through. Scared of the things that will come back and haunt me. Right now, I’m just scared of losing all the things I have worked in the past few months. Scared of losing the friends and a base in which I have grown comfortable with.
It doesn’t really matter that I would have done everything in my power to know, meet and hang out with as much people as humanly possible. It doesn’t really matter that I would be willing to endure the constant nagging of my mother in regards to me going out all the time and coming back late. It really doesn’t matter if I make stupid mistakes that would make me seem like an idiot in front of some people while dicovering what niche of friends I can actually belong to in this outside world.
All of that doesn’t really matter because at the end of the day, all I want IS to belong to a group of friends that I can hang out with. I’m not like you who can be around so many people and know even more people because you don’t feel the need to connect with them on a personal basis.
Yes I do make it an unspoken compatition between you and me to see who we relate to more, but you know, we walk on different lanes on the road. I have my ideals and you have yours. It doesn’t stop us from being good at what we do. It doesn’t mean we don’t have our own drawbacks to what we do. It just means we’re good at what we do and we’re willing to stay on the path we’re on no matter what bad may come.
I’m not like you either who only keeps to your select friends because you connect so well with them, you don’t need anyone else.
Yes I like more people, I always have. So I’m a guy who always wants that constant assurance and fills it with people who are there. Whether I’m the one who is being comforted or the one doing the comforting. It is understood that people do need other people and for once in my life I like to see what it is like to have friends outside the scope of life that I have been living. I would like to live life a little instead of being in the closed shell I always was. That way when the time comes, I can actually say I have no regrets no matter what happens.
So I’m back to where I am. Scared of losing the things I have gained and the people I have met. There is more to life than this net that I live in and yeah, it does take a lot of work to build it up. I suppose that at the end of it, I do not like the changes that cause me to lose part of my life that I worked hard to build. Then again, what am I going to do right? I still need to study. There is still Australia to live by and they live by the booze I have so missed while I’m back here in Malaysia so that’s not a bad thing after all.
I guess I’m still insecure. Hah…like that’s any surprise. Oh well…this is the part where you people reassure me or tell me that I’m an idiot then reassure me that they are going to be there. Scared or not, some things have to be done. It’s just a sad story that it had to be done so soon. I was beginning to like the cute people I’ve been with so far.