Phantasmagoria…now that’s a long word to swallow down. Technically it means a constantly changing tune or real or imagined images. But in this case I’m going to use it to describe my life right about now. My life is officially a phantasmagoria. Sometimes I don’t even know what’s going on because life’s just too turbulent to make some sort of proper plan to control it.
Maybe that’s what I fear so much…the fact I don’t have that much control over my own life. That pretty much sucks mainly because when I was younger I put up with alot of the same crap that teens these day put up with maybe with a few extra twists and turns. Considering my own upbringing, for the sake of this blog, lets say I am the variable cocktail of experiences.
There was a time in my life like anyone elses where it was bad enough to change your entire perspective of reality. That sense of innocence and safety as a kid dessipated with the introduction to…well…life itself. There are those of you who know the things I had to do to pull myself up to the person I am now. Things I may harbour a small sense of regret, but still…things I did on my own. My own way.
That’s how I’ve lived my life up until now. That control I have over my life. That sense of knowing and power over what I know. It is that understanding of what I seek to find out that gives me control over what I can see in my life. The reason why I fear losing control over my own life is probably because I fear going back to the times when I was so lost, so unprotected and insecure. Who wouldn’t be scared of that? I know for sure I am…its probably what drives me to do the things I do at times. To build myself a place where I can feel safe even if I’m by myself. To always have something to sleep to at night.
So when my life is a rapidly changing pot of events. It just shakes me thats all. It loosens my grip on life and makes me have less of my precious control over it. When did it speed up this fast? I don’t know. Can I slow it down? Not at this present time. I do hope that it doesn’t mean I’m heading to a serious crash in the perverbial wall of life. It’s times like this I need that foresight for the future. It helps to know when to start switching tracks or putting in less juice to the engine of life.
All I can do what I can do. Control what I can. If my mind finally sees the final image of what I’m currently headed towards, then I’d have a little more control of my life. If not…well…then we do like others do…play the game and hope you don’t lose all your chips in one go.