If this happened months ago, I would be pouting for days. I would be punishing myself to punish her for things I felt were out of line. I was good at it. I was good in reading people. I was good at strumming their insecurities for good reasons. I was also good at bringing out the guilt for my own reasons. Until I lost the love of my life.
Then I was in agony for months.
But life has given me a second chance, because I’ve managed to climb out from the blood stained abyss I crawled into. I’ve managed to work hard to short leash the parts of me that tend to burn myself, much like fire to a child. It doesn’t mean I don’t still punish myself. If yesterday was any indication, then I still haven’t changed. I’m still me, just a wiser version of it.
Second chances like this don’t come often, at least not to those of us who believe themselves forsaken by the divine. Yet, I’ve found someone new in my life to love and through some drunken twist of fate (at least that’s her story to everyone), loves me back. Even with everything that I am with my shortcomings and my eccentricities, she still stays of me in spite of that even because of that.
But maybe in all the people I’ve met. All the people I’ve known in life. She’s the only one who can. The only one who borders being sociopathic without the scars of life. I’ve never met a woman who could burn you because she could not because she had a reason. I’ve never met a woman who can easily brush off harsh comments without it meaning a thing to them. I’ve never met a woman who can be so emotionally myopic that she borders blind. I’ve never met a women who wears all of this…yet never has been burnt by life.
Such a woman is as dangerous and as alluring as she portrays herself to be. To people like me, she is the enigmatic flame we get burnt from, only because she is the only light in the darkness.
Realizing this, there is no point feeling hurt more than I should. There is no point in brooding for days because she will never feel guilty. There is no point in expecting her to wonder what’s wrong because she would never understand why or what went wrong the way I do. There is no point in expecting an apology because she can never say she’s sorry.
Some may call it her greatest weakness. But for the life of me, I see it as possibly her greatest strength.