I know I’m tempting fate by saying that life right now is good. Given the circumstances of the past year, the loose ends to clean up is close to relaxing. Of course, I tend to forget that in my life, there is no such thing as peace and comfort. If we can extrapolate the events of my life so far, this part is the calm lull before some insane hurricane sweeps past, forcing me to once again batten down the hatches and weather it out.
Some days I am amazed how I’ve dealt the things in my life and came out. Sure I have no friends and I’ve had very bad things happen to me and would probably still happen, but somehow, regardless of the hypomanic/depression mood swings, I have handled every moment as they come and in many ways come out a little better because of it. Alright, at this point, I realise I may not fulfill my childhood dream of becoming ruler of the world. Yet given what I’ve earn thus far, it’s hard not to take some fierce pride in it all.
During some of my more turbulent episodes, I remember that I used to have someone constantly giving me the advice that I should just surrender to the things that come with life and at the end of the day, I would be more happy because of it. I would often argue that in that surrender, we lose out on the potential of fulfilling not just what we could be, but who we could be. I could not live that life so full of regretful “what if’s”. However as time passed, I realised there maybe there was some merit to the surrender; and in that wisdom, a compromise between the two ideals became what has kept me going in these recent time.
I surrender to the idea that I would probably never experience a moment of peace in my lifetime. I surrender to the experiences that have taught me to be a soldier, a fighter. I surrender to the reality that I perceive in which all moments are part of a seemingly endless war. I surrender to the possibility that I have no hope and I am already dead.
So I keep fighting. I fight because I realise it is what I was bred to do. I fight because I realise I shouldn’t have to hate the conflicts that I endure every moment. I fight because very few people are willing to do so. I fight because at the end of the day, the collective small victories are worth grinning for than a lifetime of regrets.
Yeah, so I’m a walking balance of contradictions. I surrender because it lets me fight better and I fight because it’s the closest I can come to finding some measure of satisfaction and peace in my life. Not many people can understand it. In fact, I don’t think anyone I know in my life actually gets why I do what I do (except for Mel who isn’t considered as “anyone” in my life), which is probably why I don’t have friends. I know it’s not a particularly ideal nor is it mentally healthy for me to keep doing so, but until I can find another beneficial compromise that gets me a social life, I am probably going to remain the forced hermit.
Strangely enough, I’m alright with that at this point. It really doesn’t bother me to know that no one is willing take my hand and let me show them a whole different world to the one they know. Then again, maybe it’s because I’m not at one of my extreme moods. You know I’ll be screaming a whole different tune in one of “those” episodes. For now though, let’s just savour the lull. Rarity after all breeds pricelessness.