“You’re giving up without even trying. That’s not you.”
The thing is, what is me these days? Better yet, what was me in the first place? If I ever had an answer to that question, I wouldn’t be spending time putting all my thoughts down here and coming back to it every once in a while to think what a complete waste of time that was. But, I’ve yet to find out who I am, so here I am asking the question that human beings have asked themselves every since we’ve had too much free time on our hands.
Who exactly are we?
I don’t think I’m going to find an answer in one post and seriously doubt I’m going to find the answer anytime soon. So with that thought aside, I figure, where else is there in those words?
I’ve spent most of my life trying hard to reach goals I know are out of my reach. That happens to be no secret for those that know me all too well. I push and push and push until they would probably have to redefine the limits of human boundaries just so they can accomodate me as still being human. Then suddenly, I woke up and realized that of all the times I pushed myself to be, I ended up pushing myself farther away from me goals.
It’s in that “trying too hard” that I end up sabotaging my own efforts with self doubt and questioning. The more I try to be perfect, the more I end up unmaking the things that made my work better as a whole. So I’ve stopped. I stopped trying because the eventuality is, the bulk of our results aren’t in the plans or backup plans we make in life. Life is that unpredictable that even if we have plans for everything as I did, we wouldn’t have the time nor the energy to put them into effect and that was my failing. That is what I’ve changed.
Our success of failures depends entirely on our ability to handle the situation of the moment. Events which can affect future events to come. In effect they are the steps in while you put forth for the journey ahead of you. If you can’t even pay attention to where and how walk you’re walking, how do you expect to finish that final leg of your journey while running?
So maybe what I’m doing isn’t exactly giving up, it’s just me trying to put the present into perspective so something can be done now instead of clouding myself with improbably possibilities which will never amount to something in the future.
Then again who’s to say that being aloof and carefree isn’t also a bad thing. That of course is for me to find out. Nobody said that finding the right balance in life was a walk in the park. No one is expected to, least of all me. But at least, I know the limit of one extreme. The rest of it is for me to discover, one foot foward at a time.
Now for the next line in the conversation…