The Different Kind Of Envy

“She makes me feel normal.”

“Aren’t you normal?”

“That’s not what people have shown me.”

What defines the norm? A law? A standard that people are willing to follow? The number of people willing to follow the same thing? I’ve never subscribed to the idea that everyone is unique in their own way. The longer I look into people’s thoughts and hearts, the more confidant I am in the fact that almost everyone is the same. At least on some basic level.

The reason why I’ve always looked into people’s thoughts and motives is the same reason I’m trying to understand why people have never gotten to know me. It’s not that I have no friends. It’s that I have no one around to call a friend. I know people and people know of me. But relationships with people have always gone as far as me being the person that comforts, cares and otherwise gives the solution that people can never see. Returning the same support however, I don’t think I’ve ever really had that, not even now.

I envy people. I envy the way people have their own niche regardless of how unique they claim to be. I envy the way people can relate to each other, no matter how different their interests are from one another. I envy all of them because I don’t have people to relay the same thoughts, feelings and motives to. All I relay is my experience and my foresight, elements that are not returned when I need them.

I don’t need to claim that I’m different because it’s not my words that speak of this. If it’s in the actions of your peers that define your sense of individuality, then the way I see it, I am an individual of my own. Driven by needs, wants and a perception that differs from the masses, the choices I make to run my own life at least do not have solutions that can be solved by conventional means. Then again, so are the rewards as different as the madness that got me there.

Maybe one day I will find the niche I’ve been looking for. The community of peers that I can feel at home with. Until then, that envy of peoples social interactions with one another will always be that small light in the large gap I feel missing from my life. You can’t blame them, sometimes people don’t realize how lucky they are. Maybe in that, we share something in common.

I just don’t know in what way.

5 thoughts on “The Different Kind Of Envy

  1. Not everyone has the niches you describe, and while they may look like they’re belonging, they may not have the depth of friendships that you seek.

  2. Well, we look at those groups and we wish we had their happiness and connection, but we don’t realize that they’re not happy and they even look for a better something. Everyone looks within something they don’t have and once they lose it (whether small or large) then they have realized that they had it all along. You can’t have your invisible cake and eat it too.

  3. Cléa: Maybe because people are content with what they have, you don’t look for what you don’t know or can’t see.

    Julia: At the end of it, they are in a group, despite not having found what they seek, they can still rely on the comfort of their peers. A kind of connection in its own right. What I’ve always asked is…who do I rely on to comfort my own lost road?

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