Everyone makes mistakes, that’s one quality that defines us as being human. It is also the one quality in life which I hate the most. So it goes without saying that I am a perfectionist. I hate mistakes that people repeatedly make, but I especially hate the mistakes I make for myself regardless of whether it is the first time or not.
If anything, I tend to beat myself up over mistakes that I make. I replay the events in my head over and over again like a broken recorder. Going over the “what ifs”, seeing if there was anything I could have done to avoid those errors, maybe make better what I have done. I goes without saying when your head is filled with the memories of all the mistakes you’ve made and all the consequences you have to bear, it makes for a depressing individual. At it worst, it makes for someone who has to constantly fight to retain some shred of sanity.
Over the years, I have learned to take on my mistakes with less drama than I used to. It still replays over and over in my mind, I just figured that no one else needs to see that particular quirk of mine. However, holding back my self-inflicted mental abuse was only a prelude to what I eventually came to realise. It was never about the mistakes that we make or the consequences we have to pay. It’s simply about what you can do after the mistake has been made. What defines that road to perfection is how we handle our own mistakes.
You can like me, feel absolutely horrible for long periods of time for something you said or did, that you’ve come to realise shouldn’t have been said or done. Or, you can like me when I’m doing more thinking than I do feel, put the nausea away and do what you’re supposed to do after you’ve paid what you’re supposed to pay.
Because in the end, most mistakes are only going to be remembered by yourself. It’s not to say we should sweep it under the rug, it’s just that there are better, more important things to do than soothing our bruised ego or contemplating thoughts of suicide. There are jobs that still need to be done and more often than not, despite the error of our ways, it’s probably true that we’re still the only ones that can do them. So rather than risking being distracted enough to make more mistakes, you might as well keep doing the best you can.
I know I probably am writing this down for my own benefit more than yours, it’s not everyday you make mistakes in both your professional career and personal life than come back and haunt you. The thing is, what’s done is done, and while one mistake can be salvaged, I’m not to sure about the other. It doesn’t stop me from feeling absolutely horrible, but it’s not going to stop me from moving ahead either. It’s times like this I wish I had someone to talk to about my issues, but that itself is another story, set for another time and another day.
Today is all about mistakes, and it’s about time we’ll leave it at that.