I know I should have said something. I know I should have just asked her. After all, it was work, it was a practical need and she was the best person to ask. I don’t know it. She worked in it. So why couldn’t I have just asked her? I don’t know. I really don’t know.
I know I should have said something and given myself a thousand and one reasons why I shouldn’t talk to her. Heck, you could probably give me a thousand and two reasons why I shouldn’t be talking to her. The truth is, talking to her doesn’t affect me the way it used to before this, before the break. Now, all that it would do is bring back memories that were born out of longing and desire. Memories that I can smile to as what they are, a past that makes up an important part of me.
I know I should have said something, but…talking to her does affect her. You can hear it in her voice. See it in the way she writes back. Feel it in the way she tries hard to keep it all behind those weary eyes of hers. Without that future to create, what’s left are the twisted memories that trigger desires you can’t have. Without moving on, what’s left is the life that bleeds out of you, eats you up from the inside until there is nothing left but the memory and the pain of that emptiness. I know that pain. I felt it for far too long a lifetime to forget it any time soon.
I know I should have said something, but friends need to look out for one another. Whatever she is going through, she has to find a way to get through it herself. Maybe she will work through it. Maybe she won’t. Things in life have a 50/50 chance of succeeding anyway. I can’t tell which way it would end up for her, but I can tell that I’m part of that problem. Friends do what they can to care for one another don’t they? You can’t take away that hurt or pain, but the least you can do is stand by when she needs you. She doesn’t need me now. Not by a long shot.
I know I should have said something, but I didn’t, because some things needed to be worked out on your own. Because some things need time to heal. Because some things aren’t the best things to do even if they are the things you want to do. Because by the end of it…life makes sure that everything works out in the end. Whether it’s to what you want…that is a choice that’s best left to you to get up and start looking for it.