Ever had the feeling that you were leading another life parallel to yours? Ever had that feeling that you spent most of your life living in so many different masks that you don’t know who you are anymore? Ok…maybe that’s a little too drastic, let’s take it down to something a little simpler. Ever lived your life wearing two faces? One which people expect you to be and one who you are supposed to be?
Sometimes its hard to just mantain a facade in front of the people who see you everyday because they rely on that to trust and understand you. There are days where I just want to let go of all that I have and show people for who I really am. That can be a bad thing though…the last time I did that, being scorned was the least of my problems. I’m sure as hell many of you people have had that problem before on more than one occassion.
So what else do I have left…? All I can do is to show people the cards I deal with, play with what they are comfortable to deal with. As ridiculous as that may sound, society still is far from being forgiving when it comes to truth and human nature. I don’t want to be a bigger outsider than I already play myself to be. So if you can’t choose the path of being yourself? Where else can you turn but what other people play you out to be? It makes things easier for you to work within that system of assumptions anyway.
But what happens when you meet the people who can understand you for who you are? What happens when you meet that minority of people who don’t judge you for who are, who understand you for your actions and accept even the darkest parts of who you are? it can be a dilema when you have to play someone who’s true to yourself and someone who wears the masks society will interact with. One way or another…there is going to be some botch ups in who you’re going to be as.
One way or another you’re going to forget which role you’re playing purely because we’re creatures of habit. Unless you can compartmentalise your opinions and feelings to a certain degree, we’re going to be one person or another…and even that itself is not something that can be done easily.
I wish that I could always be the person I always am without people condemning the things I would be willing to do should I be true to myself. I trust that I do have qualities that make me good at what I do…but not without some things that make me the monster I already am. Maybe there will be a day where I can walk free of the aliases that I walk under. Walk free of the images that people see me as. Maybe that day will come soon enough…I can only hope as always.
Keep walking and keep that faith in myself. What’s a guy left to do but that?